My whole life I have been the one to silently take the crap others can so quickly dump on the souls they see as weak. I am by no means weak but I do not like confrontation. The main reason I do not like confrontation is because I cannot hurt other people. Lord knows I have plenty of harsh facts and nasty retorts in my arsenal but I just cannot use them. No matter how deeply one has hurt me I just cannot do it back to them. I know only too well how much it hurts to have some thing you have confided or a mistake you you recall with remorse thrown in your face. It stays with you for ever. Physical wounds heal but more often than not words that hurt the psyche will never heal. That is something I was not put on earth to do….to hurt someone.
Don’t get me wrong….I know I have hurt others and I am sure I have hurt them deeply and for that I will always feel sorrow but I never did those things on purpose. Sometimes my actions have hurt others and I will always feel shame. The times I hurt others was when I was on a path to hurt myself. And hurt myself I did but when a person cares for you and you hurt yourself it hurts them. I have learned that and I try to stay conscious of that fact. No one is perfect but at least I am more aware.
But for years I have taken a lot of crap from people I loved so much. Sometimes I snapped to my defense but mostly I did not. I wold go off to lick my wounds and in a few days I would push back into the recesses of my mind. Last weekend was the last time. I will not share the details because it is unimportant and not the purpose of this post but it was nearly my undoing. I would drive home in the dark on high mountain roads and I actually considered just going straight when I approached a curve in the road.
I love life. I struggle every day but to me it is worth it because I know one day I shall know peace. I know that day is right around the corner. I see the light beckoning me as I have never before. The last few years have been a time of transformation for me. Finally I am beginning to understand so much and everyday is filled with lessons filling my heart more and more each day with peaceful bliss.
The most recent lesson I learned I will call detached compassion. Once I thought my capacity for empathy and compassion was truly a curse. I was wrong. It is a blessing but that doesn’t mean I have to hurt and take abuse. I can have compassion but I must find a way to harness it and I have. When someone I loves hurts me deeply I can just not care. Most of what I struggle with is hearing things about me that are simply not true. I feel so misunderstood and not heard and …….well….a victim. I am not a victim. I am now a person that knows herself and knows what is true or not and it doesn’t really matter what anyone thinks. Though I truly believe on some level these people know as well but have gotten away with this for a long time. Knowing what I know about myself and quieting the little demon within me known as my ego I can truly shrug the hurt of and simply walk away. I always knew the only one that could save me from this pattern was me but I was focused so much on changing people’s opinion of me, proving myself to them, falling over backwards to get them to see how wrong they were. What a waste of time. Everyone is on their own journey. I cannot possibly know what it is that possesses them to lash out so spitefully and to be quite frank it really isn’t for me to know anyway. What I do know is myself…To thine own self be true….and that is exactly what I shall do.
With the simple phrase in my head…I don’t care….has released me from decades of pain and torture. I can without a doubt quietly walk away from it because I just don’t care. What a relief!!