I have come to a pivotal time of my life that calls for a profound transformation. I have come to realize everything that I have been through and all the choices I have made up to this point was leading me to this very place right here right now. This is probably one of the hardest journeys I have ever made but certainly the most enlightening and hopeful. For years and years I have had bad choices made for me until I was old enough to make all my bad choices all by myself. And not all were bad. Some were very good choices. And then some started out as bad and I was able to turn them around to be good. But the whole point is everything I have lived through has led me to this very point. This is a heartbreaking and joyful time. It is very difficult and can be very lonely at times. But none the less here I am for all its worth and I hope I can continue to pull myself through this transformation to come out and enjoy the fruits of the other side.
Most of us live with a divided self. There is your spiritual self and your ego self and these two selves struggle for position for most of ones life depending how evolved spiritually one is and how much karma one has to work through. Some I don’t believe ever can get to the place where they can recognize a need for transformation is required. Their ego selves are in the drivers seat and they view everything as outside forces working upon them. There are others that are completely at peace with their higher selves and their spirit is most definitely in the drivers seat. Then there are people like me. My spiritual self has been filling my heart confusing the ego self that is fumbling around in my head.
When I was a child I was very spiritual. I had a clear vision of God in everything around me. I loved nature and animals and I basked in the love of my family. I was very shy but courage often won out even in the most difficult of situations. When my mother remarried a man that was incapable of showing or feeling much emotion and moved me overseas away from all I knew my spiritual self took a hit and that is when I believe my ego self stepped in to get me through. Over time all the things the ego self is so good at doing was deeply rooted in who I was. In other words I had no idea who I was but I worked very hard at trying to win the approval of others, of defending myself at every comment, judged lest I be judged, played the class clown and lived in the world of deep denial as I told myself if I did this or that surely I would be loved even though I knew deep down I was completely unworthy of any love. Not only was my ego self alive and well within me but I had other strong personalities as well that would steer me here or there leaving me pretty screwed up, lost and confused. These other personalities are for another post however.
In 2009 I was able to get in touch with my spiritual self once again but my ego self was always right there tearing me down and leaving me very doubtful of the spiritual things that were happening to me. Over time I was able to quiet the left brain where the ego self ruled supreme and was able to awaken the right side where my spiritual self had always been. It was here I became friends with my spiritual self and learned I had 12 guides that have been with me for thousands of years. I have learned who I have been in other lives or at least a few lifetimes. I began to gain an understanding of things that were for me a few short years ago simply incomprehensible.
When I was looking for a new school to start and fell into The Center for Sacred Studies I asked for a sign to know if this was the right move for me and I got a resounding yes through a very obvious sign. Ever since I began my studies my world has been turned upside down….my inner world at any rate. I have had wonderful highs and the lowest of lows. I have been told things always get the worst right before a change happens for the good. I look back on the last few years of my life….even this year has been extremely difficult. I feel shattered and broken. I have no more self confidence or self esteem. I no longer am sure what I like or who I am. I think everything that I thought I was had to be destroyed in order for me to grow and evolve. Forgiveness is a big one. Forgiving others and forgiving myself is an on going process. Then there is learning to trust myself which is extremely difficult to do at this stage in the game because I question everything I was and everything I did and believed in. Faith and patience are also works in progress. And the big one….asking for help and guidance from not only my husband but from my guides and my higher self and from the Almighty Father-Mother-God.
And though today I am having a good day mentally just last week I fell into a hole that left me wondering if I even wanted to try and crawl out. However every time I fall in that hole I learn something so valuable and life changing I have decided I will never again feel despair when despair is determined to hit. I will merely witness it because I know right around the corner another huge obstacle in my spiritual development has been over come. I know that hole will show up in my path many times but each time it does I am able to overcome it faster and easier and I love looking at the lessons each one is signaling I am learning. I have such a long way to go but I want to dedicate my life to it now whereas just last year I was running like hell in the opposite direction.
I feel so privileged and blessed to be going though this difficult rebirth of myself. I feel closer to the Divine Source than I ever have and I am so blessed that my husband is willing to get in the trenches with me. As I go through this difficult process so does he while also going through his own journey. I hope that I can continue to learn, grow and evolve up until the very second that my physical body dies for this is a magical ride however bumpy it may get at times.