Last night, quite by accident, my husband and I began to talk about my “being stuck” problem. The last few days have been extremely difficult and literally I am immobilized once again. It was a good talk but fear is the number one obstacle in my life right now and he suggested I really define what those fears are. Since my blog is where I sort all of my feelings and life events out the blog is where I am going to list my fears. They are not listed in order. As they come to me I will write.
Fear of Failing Rosie
I have this wonderful gift in my life and seem to be ill-equipped to handle her. I have no skills or knowledge base to handle her. I fear I will lose her not because she will be taken away but that I will feel so inept in her over all care that I will make the selfless choice on her behalf and place her in a home that will care for her with the skills necessary. I lost three horses already and it about killed me. One died and two I had to give away when I moved to Catalina. Rosie was my second chance. But I have no idea what I am doing and do not have the money to hire someone to teach me. Then she destroyed her fence and I have no money to replace it so unless I get her out and walk her she stays in her corral that is large but she cannot run as she needs to. I got a lunge line to exercise her in the field and it quickly got out of control because she has so much energy I about lost her. If something happened to her because of my ignorance I would never forgive myself. I have watched you tube but cannot find anything about line lunging without a round pen. I have expert horse people around me but I am ashamed to ask for help because I cannot pay them. She is fat and bored and cranky. I just want a chance to sort this out but will it ever? What if I am trying to force something that is just not in the cards for me and never has been? Is it fair to her? How can I overcome this all consuming fear when I have tried solutions that do not work for me because I just don’t know what to do? I feel helpless, hopeless and kind of stupid.
Fear of Losing Ron
I am not the woman he married or courted. After the experience with my parents I have been changed and I have not been in a good place in a very long time. I want me back for me and for him. He is such a good, kind and patient man and I know he loves me because he is still here but he deserves the best Lisa that I can be. He deserves a partner, a friend and a lover that can give 100% of herself and yet I am distant and …immobilized. He deserves the woman that had a lust for life and yet all I can give him is a dim shadow of myself. I fear he will give up on me and walk away.
I Fear I Will Never Be Pain free
I have dealt with pain for a very long time but the pain that has set in as I cared for my parents is a new kind that is debilitating. I have no strength. My body seizes up in contorting muscle spasms and the joints are so painful it hurts to do anything. I can no longer sit on the floor and I walk around like I am 110 years old. It hurts to stretch and it depresses the hell out of me. I have no stamina and therefore no drive to push because when I do the pain is so immense I cannot even sleep. I want to be able to run and walk and do yoga and breath fresh air without my ribs complaining as they expand. I am so afraid I have gotten old and decrepit before I ever had a chance to live.
I Fear I Will Never Be Free From Depression
This depression is killing me and I cannot seem to overcome it. I live in a world of self imposed isolation and am teetering on the edge of a complete mental breakdown or worse. I want to feel joy in the simple pleasures of life. I spend my days forcing one foot in front of the other trying to force myself into the world of the living but it is just is too hard. It is as if I am trying to walk around submerged up to my neck in water. It takes everything I have when I have so little to begin with. It is a miracle I am writing. When I lose that ability it will be over for me.
I Fear I Will Never Find a Career I Love
I am working on a new job and have gone through all the training and now no one has called me to let me know what I do or where I go next. A part of me is relieved because I am not excited about this job but I know if I have a reason to get out of bed in the morning it can only help and I desperately need an income. I now owe the bank 2600.00 because of fraud and I have no way to pay it back. And now I wonder if they have decided because of my mothers complaint to the Adult Protective Services has made me ineligible for this job and that is why they haven’t called me which is just part of that whole giant big picture of the damage that was done in caring for my parents. I really want to find something I can love while doing it. But I have tried so many places and no one wants to give me a chance or there are no positions available. What if I get stuck with a job that I have to go to because I am desperate but I hate it? How do I reconcile that?
I Fear I Will Never Be Able to Get Out of My Own Way
I know deep down that I am my own worst enemy. I know if I could just get up, dust myself off and carry on eventually things would have to improve and yet I am immobilized. I am afraid to do anything for fear of failing. I feel I have failed so miserably at so many things now that I am afraid to do anything. I do not want to be a failure and yet that seems to be what I am pushing myself to be. How does one stop themselves from sabotaging their own existence? I know a lot but now what? Knowing is not enough. How does one overcome that? My brain and my ego will not let me even try to crawl out of this hole I find myself in.
I Fear Myself more than anything. I am scared to death and miserable.
I don’t expect any comments to this post. I did not write it for sympathy or a miracle. This is part of my recovery I suppose. If I can identify what my fears are perhaps that is a first step in conquering them. I do not feel sorry for myself but I am incredibly frustrated…with myself. I want a new lease on life, a new outlook that will conquer my immobilizing fear.