I want to write something. I am filled with the desire to write something really profound and yet I have pushed delete at least twelve times , removing whole paragraphs when I do, because the thoughts and words are all over the place. So what do I do? Well I write anyway. I find I have the luxury of redefining myself. I am redefining my thoughts and behaviors. At first I was devastated to find myself in such a place at a time in my life when most people are well established in their lives and careers and relationships. But today it dawned on me I may be the luckiest person I know because I have no choice but to take the time to heal my life.
When I started this blog I wanted it to be about my spiritual journey and all that entailed. I started it when I was deep in depression about my present and future circumstances. So far it has been quite a journey. Mostly this blog has been filled with anger and sadness at where I found my life to be going. I have spewed out frustration, resentment, anger, despair with a sprinkling of hope and joy. When I look back on what I have felt, thought and written it has been a cliche of two steps forward, one step back, three steps back, two steps forward. I don’t believe anyone has frustrated me more than myself. What a mess I have been. However one thing has stood out to me as I go back and read what I have written and that is I have been really chewing on some stuff and trying to work it out. This is a good thing. I apologize to all my readers, friends and family for the discombobulated mess I have been but as in science, when working on a new hypothesis there are often times more set backs than successes and scientists are constantly reevaluating their own (and others) hypotheses. Life is a process and learning is sometimes a messy thing.
So here I am….I am in no mans land still trying to figure out what to do with myself. I know what I want to do in the future but I have to finish my schooling first and then work on more schooling little by little and step by step. But wouldn’t it be great if I actually wrote a book during this time. Pretty grandiose thought but What If?? I know I have dabbled with a chapter or two of this and that but so far I am not impressed. Something is missing in my writing. So what do I write about? My life? My lessons thus far? Fiction? My hand freezes in a contorted claw every time I sit down to write. Am I over thinking this whole thing? Not thinking enough? Desire and the will just don’t seem to be enough. Is is fear that keeps my hand hovering in a fixed position or do I not have the meat behind the desire? What If no one wants to read my book? The whole idea seems so right….like it is a calling if you will but then again the whole idea seems absolutely crazy. A part of me is thinking “Who do you think you are thinking you could write anything that anybody would want to read?” but then another part that comes from an even deeper part of me is saying “what on earth is taking you so long?”
I have bounced around an idea of perhaps writing fiction based on some of my real past lives. Would that be something anyone would want to read? Maybe that would be a safe place to start. I don’t know. What If that is the dumbest thing to write about anyone has ever heard? I would love to throw some ideas out there and have some feed back but I don’t believe enough people read my blog to even get any feed back.
The last Daily Prompt I just participated in explored the question “What makes a great blog?” and I think I finally have a definite answer. There are some great blogs out there and the one common denominator that all of them share is they are real and from the heart. Some have a rigid format and others are just meanderings of brilliant minds. I love them all. My favorite past time is to make a pot of coffee….sit down and explore these works of art. What is incredible is these are real people writing about their very real lives. I place myself in their shoes and often mutter to myself “Been there, done that” or “What if that were me?” Isn’t that really what great writing is all about or great anything for that matter? Great writing takes words and paints these beautiful pictures that pictures could never paint. A great painting is a visual work of art that words cannot describe. We as humans are lucky enough to possess the desire and passion to explore what nature creates and lives everyday. Okay so I see now the philosopher in me is making a surprise appearance. Art can make a philosopher out of anyone and when I say Art I mean anything that is created from the soul. So I have determined that anything I write will be fabulous if it comes from my soul….not something forced. If I never get published or make it to the NY Times bestseller list that will be fine by me because in the end my writing will have served its glorious purpose. It will have served me by cradling my soul in the warmth of my own creativity that is mine and mine alone. It won’t be better or worse than anyone else’s work…it will be the very expression of my soul.
My final question…What If that is enough?