Today is better. It didn’t start that way but it got better and here is why:
I got up and opened my email to see if anyone responded to my posts and to see what others had posted of blogs that I follow. I always get excited if I see someone has commented on my post. I hope I am not the only geeky one out that that scans their emails first thing to see if anyone has commented on your posts. I am not popular enough to get a lot of responses so I still get a thrill every time I do. Hell I am thrilled when I get a “liked” and pingbacks are awesome because that means potentially I might have other readers. Don’t ask me why it is important. Obviously it is my fragile little ego crying out for attention but it is what it is.
I got two wonderful responses that made me stop and ponder things for a while and by God it was just the gentle attitude adjustment I needed.
First Cee reminded me that this is a great time in my life because it is a time of cleansing. She encouraged me to cry assuring me I wouldn’t drown and to keep writing about it. She even complimented me on my writing when in all actuality what I wrote was angry ramblings. I always try to post some eloquent, life lesson that may stick with people. Last night was just “vomiting rage” and after I pushed the “publish” button….that scary point of no return I began to feel like I might have made a mistake for I did not sound eloquent at all but rather like a disgruntled teenager having a tantrum.
The be2beme took the time to write me a long missive about her struggles and that she completely got where I was coming from and THEN she wrote me something quite amazing…..she explained that her mother was a waitress and would work and save every year just so she could go to Tibet to paint for the waitress part wasn’t what defined her. Her art defined her. She worked to live and she lived to paint. WOW!!! That brought everything in perspective.
For years I have known that Americans define themselves by their income, their job and their material objects. Other countries, Europe for example, defines themselves by their family and other more important things. My ego was completely shattered at having to tell people I was a cashier or a waitress when I went to school and worked so hard to be able to tell people I am a Biologist, a dog trainer, etc…and suddenly I felt very small. I was reminded that I have an opportunity to learn a new trade and then do what I like to do and write about it. Who cares what I do for a living….How I like to think about myself is I am Ron’s wife and friend, I am Rainy and Rosie’s mom, I am a photographer (so what if I am an amateur or don’t get paid…it is what I Love to do), and I am a writer…(again…no I am not published but I have been a writer since I was seven years old…it is what I Love to do).
Speaking of a change of plans…I railed at how stupid my book was etc…but you know as I was writing it I remembered somethings that I had forgotten that were really pivotal in my story. So if for no other reason to keep writing I will because I can continue to learn about myself and that is what this blog is all about. I have been running, escaping, doing what others wanted me to do or taking care of someone my whole life. I now have the opportunity to get to know myself and that what the whole point of this blog. Yes…its chaos but so what? So am I. Perhaps as I learn how to blog better I will have this thing more organized much like myself…as I learn about myself more I will have myself a little more grounded and centered. This blog is a tool to help me accomplish that. Thanks to all of you that have been there every time I post to “Like” me or to “comment” because I treasure you all for it. You are cheering me on and helping me grow and frankly I need all the cheering and the help I can get. YOU ROCK!!!!
This post came about because I was learning new tricks to spruce up my blogs and one thing led to another. It is amazing where life can take you if you can stay open to all that it has to offer. My husband believes there are no accidents. The pain and joy, triumphs and failures, are suppose to come about so that we may learn. The hard part is just trusting it all when it happens. But trust has never been one of my strong suits. Quite by accident I ranted in a post and the next thing I know I have been enlightened. Enlightenment is lurking everywhere if you will just allow yourself to see it. Its not always easy but it is always profound.
So thank you my friends for participating in my journey. I need to stop thinking I can do this by myself. It is so much more comforting to have a group of “friends…or souls…or fellow human beings…” mucking it out with you.