I don’t know if I am ready to write my story seeing as it is still so up in the air. There is no moral to my story except that at 46 I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up and I am running out of time to follow my dreams.
Today has been a bad one. I have gotten things done but only because I have no personality. I am a numb person just going through the motions. I was cutting the grass first thing this morning and I was pondering the next chapter and I thought to myself “Who cares?? I don’t” So I may have to take a few steps back while I work out some crud I am obviously going through.
You know…to some people taking care of ones parents can often segue into PTSD!! Can you believe that? Well that is me. My husband (the psychotherapist) told me it can take people as long as 8 years to recover depending on the circumstances. OMG….so for ten years my life will have been robbed from me because I tried to do the right thing. You know that is the story of my life and to be honest I am damn tired of it. I want me back. The way I was before the life got sucked out of me. I am freaking out and am terrified.
On top of that the job situation still sucks. I guess I got hired by Home Depot as a cashier. Yes people a cashier. Now don’t get me wrong….I am not too proud to work doing just about anything but I cannot help but see the irony is all this. I spent my life working for myself and getting a degree so I would not have to ever be a cashier or a waitress when I started getting old. And I know there are some of you out there going ” well I am a waitress or cashier….” I do not mean to insult you because that is not my intent and not at all what I am trying to say. My daughter is a waitress and a damn good one…she has always made more money than me and I am so proud of her. She started when she was 16 and has just kicked butt.
The reason I worked very hard to do other things because I knew I would suck at these two jobs and who wants to learn the two jobs one has always been most fearful of at the ripe age of 46? I don’t think anyone. Also I feel like everything I worked so hard for was for nothing. My life just seems like it has been a big effing waste of time and I am really bummed about it.
I am kind of embarrassed at this post because it is more whiny than usual and it is definitely a pity party for one. I know my husband would say “OH…don’t go to poor me” . Well guess what? I am already there and have been wallowing in that spot all day. I am afraid if I allow myself the luxury of crying I will never stop. But I am beginning to think I just don’t matter. The minute I stopped doing what my mom wanted me to do I not only ceased to exist but she called the authorities on me. The minute I moved from Moab my dear friends don’t call and when I told them I was coming down (two weeks in advance) they were all to busy. What would you think? I talk to my husband and he doesn’t hear a word I say. I tell him cool stuff and he never acknowledges that I have spoken but when someone else tells him the same thing it is just the coolest. I AM RIGHT HERE PEOPLE!!! I haven’t died or disappeared. I am right here.
I am lonely, sad, scared, frustrated, bored, and I feel like I don’t matter or I am invisible. AGAIN!!!!!
They say you come here to learn a lesson….so WTF is mine???? I sure would like to know so I could get it and the world would just give me a break.