The Unforgiving Pain. Tormentor or Teacher?



As most of you know I have been dealing with Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome since 1997. It is a hellish disease that shows no mercy. It takes over your life, embeds itself into every thought, leaves you asking yourself if you can actually face it one more day. That is what it became to me, a challenge really, just to face it ONE MORE DAY. I hurt when I moved, stood, sat, laid down…it didn’t even give me the relief of sleep. In fact, I think that was the worst part about it. It never let up. There was no small moment in a 24 hour period when I could just breathe with a sigh of relief. I felt like I could have sold my soul for just an hour where I wasn’t losing my mind with pain.

I tried every treatment known to man. When I lived in Virginia I even hooked up with a doctor who freely gave me heavy duty narcotics until my body had built up a resistance to them and then I had to not only deal with the inescapable pain of Fibromyalgia but now I had to contend with mind numbing withdrawals to opiates. It was about then that I began to entertain thoughts of suicide…I had lost all hope and I was left with this simple question: Can I live with this? Do I even want to?

I finally beat it. When I say beat it I mean that 99% of the time I feel pretty good. But when I get really stressed or sad I will have a flare up. It takes about 2 days after a stressful event for it to show up but it does and it always knocks the wind out of my sails. It took almost 20 years of my life. Most of you reading this (especially those of you who are suffering everyday with this bitch) are asking “So how did you get rid of it?” Well…I went a very unconventional route and its not one I am comfortable disclosing in a public forum because it is technically illegal in this country. But I will say it was a natural remedy that grows unaided by pharmaceutical companies. I also did various other things that I think in conjunction with the medicine I did take finally got this monster under control. Hypnosis, meditation, Maitri Breath work, diet, lots and lots of water and now Hot Yoga.

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This topic came up for me today because this morning I opened up my Facebook page and clicked on a link to a blog written by a beautiful artist in my area who is PISSED. She is pissed she is sick and she is pissed at feeling like it is her fault. reading her words was like getting hit in the stomach because I know exactly what she is talking about. I blamed myself for my illness. I blamed myself because I believed everyone when they said I could heal myself, that I was the only reason I wasn’t better, and that hurt most of all.

Fibromyalgia is an autoimmune disease. The body is actually attacking itself. My body was attacking itself. I was painfully aware of that. All I heard was that my anger, or depression was the real reason I hurt so bad so stop being sad or angry. I was told stress was causing it so don’t stress. It was all my emotions that were creating this nightmare so reign in my emotions. Take a walk. If I would just get out of bed and take a walk I would feel better. Go to a yoga class, meditate, just breathe. If I did those things I would be cured. Let me ask you something….would you tell some one suffering from Alzheimers to read a book to get their memory back or would you tell someone with cancer to eat more oranges to cure their cancer then tap your foot at them whispering tsk tsk because they didn’t get better? I think not. But those are REAL diseases aren’t they? it isn’t their fault because the western medical community has defined cancer and Alzheimers as bona fide diseases which they can then pumped pharmaceuticals at while draining your wallet.

All diseases…all of them come from a disruption in the body-mind-spirit. That’s why they are called dis-ease. There is discord between your body, mind and spirit. BUT until you can get the right kind of tools to manage the disease you will be sick. Whether you can see the illness or not, whether it is accepted as an illness by the so called experts or not, it is your reality none the less. So really all the self help books and well intended advice does to a person mired in pain  is make the person feel worse. That’s right…..worse. Because essentially you are placing the blame for this illness on the very person that needs the most help.


So here is what Fibromyalgia taught me. Stop judging the pain and yourself. Just STOP! Instead witness it. Your body is telling you something. Learn to listen to it. I am not saying this is easy. Its not. But I have learned to love the pain instead. I welcome it in when it arrives. I imagine myself greeting it at the door, pulling out my most special seat of honor and I serve it the best, most expensive tea in my house. I thank it for being there and I ask it why it has shown up. And as I listen I let it cry and throw a tantrum and then I enfold it in my arms and I love it. Just like a child that is so angry and frustrated. I don’t get mad at it…I just let it scream and carry on while I smooth its hair and rock it while singing a lullaby. Sounds incredibly stupid doesn’t it? Well this is what works for me. I am not by any means saying it will work for everyone. Then I cry and cry and I wrap my arms around myself and I tell myself that I am loved and that I matter and that my feelings matter. I love all the grief, sadness, anger and despair that surface. I tell myself that I am going to be okay because I am here to love me always.  I give myself all the warmth and compassion and security and love that I want so desperately from others. I have learned no one can truly give me what I need but me because ultimately I am the only person on the planet that can know and understand. After all the messiness of pure surrender happens I wipe my nose and I breathe. And I thank the Great Mother for giving me the opportunity to live and love this body I am in. I tell her all the things I am grateful for and the more I start listing the more shows up. I pamper myself with hot tea and a bath and sweet music and I may even write a bit if I feel like it. Most times I sit wrapped in a blanket in the dark and just sit with it. All of it. The pain, the feelings, the love and the gratitude.

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This is what I do. For those of you who suffer, please do not think I am minimizing your pain. I am not. And this may never be your process. Living with Fibromayalgia is a deeply personal and lonely road. No one, not even me, can know your reality. But I do have an idea. And I hold you in the deepest seat of compassion for this walk we walk is full of grace but it takes courage. A lot of it. Anyone who walks the road of Fibromayalgia is a warrior. And all of you are my heroes.

I only got to this place of healing by doing very hard and frustrating work for 5 years. Most of the time I just wanted to give up. But one day it all just came together. Mostly I let go of the Story that got me to this place. What is the Story? Its the bullshit your parents, your siblings, your friends and teachers, lovers, spouses and children put on you. And you bought it hook, line and sinker. The Story is the bullshit you tell yourself. The Story is what manifested your dis-ease. That story is the hardest thing to shake than you can ever imagine. In fact it will be something you have to constantly fight your entire life. Every single person on this planet has a Story. The people who don’t accept are the ones that are healthy. But for those of us that accepted it because due to our personality or circumstances didn’t know what else to do with it struggle with addiction, pain, suicide, violence, and a number of other issues.

Fibromyalgia taught me to love myself. It taught me to see how freaking awesome and beautiful I am. It taught me what it really meant to love. I have no more fear, which is really all the story does for us….it makes us afraid. Afraid to feel, to be happy, to have compassion for ourselves. Love teaches us that all of this is just a damn illusion anyway. Its not real. I am not my pain. I am a spirit that only knows love. And Love heals everything. Truly Love is All there is.

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The Mouse


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I know what you are thinking….a mouse? Not a lot of grandeur in that one. However every animal has a message and gifts it can share. Much like every species is important here on Pachamama. We are like a house of cards….if the small are ignored or destroyed at the bottom then we all fall. This is why I chose the Mouse today and because that is my husband’s totem. remember we all are connected…I am no more or less than anyone here and neither my friend is the Mighty Mouse.

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Mouse as a Totem

The Mouse is known for it’s attention to detail and it’s scrutiny of everything. Mouse is a powerful medicine to have in this day and age.Things that most people might overlook carry significant importance to the mouse person. It is good medicine to see the details in things and to pay attention to details but it can be bad medicine when you chew everything to pieces. A Deer Mouse is very fastidious about its appearance whereas it’s home can be quite cluttered and messy but a regular house mouse can be rather a mess when it comes to it’s own personal hygiene. When talking a bout a mouse person you will often see in some areas of its life it is extremely fastidious whereas in others you will see some neglect. For example my husband is very neat and tidy about his own appearance but sometimes he can leave piles of little papers and such around the house then wonder why he has trouble finding some things. When a mouse shows up as your totem it can indicate it is time to pay attention to the details or it can indicate you cannot see the big picture because you are too busy scrutinizing the little things and get too locked into the details.

Some questions to ask yourself if Mouse is showing up as your Totem animal; Are you taking care of the little things in life?Are you getting caught up in big dreams missing the little things in your life? Are you getting too focused on one or two little things that you are missing other opportunities that are showing up for you? Are you unable to see what is right in front of you? Is there something obvious in your life you should be paying attention to but you are completely oblivious?Are you doing too much, spread too thin and beginning to drop the ball or becoming too scattered?

Mouse Medicine can show you how to focus and pay attention to details.It will show you how to get the big things by working on the little things. It can also point out some of the areas you may need to strengthen or relax. Being detail oriented is one thing. Are you nick picky as a person? This can explain why some people can get angry at you. Don’t get too fixated on methodology. However you are known for your organizational skills and your ability at categorizing things.

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Mouse Spirit Guide

If mouse shows up in your life you may not be seeing the forest for the trees. Relax and step back and look at the Whole rather than the parts. Mouse can also indicate you may need to take the time to get a little more organized in your life. This is especially important now as we gather up all of our tax stuff to get our taxes done. Nothing is more frustrating then that one missing document that holds you up from getting that much anticipated tax refund!!

If mouse shows up in your dreams it can indicate you are experiencing some feelings of embarrassment and that you need to work on your confidence. It can also indicate that you are also single minded and working nicely towards your goals. If you dream of several mice it may be indicating you are a team player or work well in groups.

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A Mouse Totems cycle of power tends to run in 5-6 week increments. This can give you an idea of your creative cycles and other projects if you are a Mouse Totem. They also have or want more children than most people in these times. The Deer Mouse will take over abandoned nests of squirrels and birds and they are excellent at storing food looking all year long to gather no matter how much they have stored. I think of my husband here again as he loves to buy run down homes and remodel them. Its his art!

mouse and lionSo just because the mouse is small mighty things can come in small packages. This little guy teaches to pay attention to the little things and also sometimes its the details that make all the difference. If you see the mouse constantly in many different forms or just one specific species you may have a mouse as your totem but if they are appearing just for a short time or in your dreams it may be their guidance and advice that is needed. Either way the mouse is powerful medicine and should never be overlooked or ignored.

Totems vs. Spirit Guides



There is a difference between Animal Totems and Animal Spirit Guides. However many people use them interchangeably but it is important to know the difference.

Animal Totems

An animal totem is an animal that is with you your whole life. You were born into this life with this animal and it will be there until you die in this body.They represent some aspect of your personality and/or some aspect of your life. Most people can have anywhere from 3-7 totem animals. They also may show up at different stages of your life. I personally started with the horse as a totem. Wolf showed up in my early 20’s and finally Owl has shown up now in my mid forties. All of them have been there all along but I wasn’t aware of them until I was paying attention.

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Animal Spirit Guides 

These animals will show up when you are looking for guidance and basically they are there to offer advice. These are wonderful guides that can help you in a day or over a situation. All you have to so is ask. If you are faced with making a difficult decision or are worried about something that may or may not happen or need to know how to confront someone on something etc. just ask for guidance and then pay attention. Usually as soon as you step outside a guide will show up. Lets say you are heading to work and spot a deer or look in the sky to see a magpie…these are not accidents. You ask and they answer. Keep these sightings in mind and then when you get a chance look them up. There are plenty of references online and some great books out there. Look at two or three references and then find the things in common and go with that OR even better use your intuition.

The Animal Messengers

Once or twice a week I will post information I have learned and gathered about animals and the messages they bring. I have decided to do this because 1) its fun and 2)I personally have gained much insight from paying attention to animals.

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My Background

Since I was an infant I have been connected to animals. I was an only child and I was very shy and a bit of a loner. But even when I was barely able to crawl my mother said I was drawn to animals and was always gentle. I never hurt one but rather was content to have them around me. I also communicated with them. I picked up their emotions and I could see pictures in my head that they wanted me to see. I lost that ability (or rather gave it away) as I became a teenager because it was creepy and weird. However I began grooming dogs at the age of 19 and was immediately successful doing it. I then went on to learn how to train them. Finally I went back to college and earned my degree in Biology in Animal Behavior. I did an internship at a zoo to improve their environmental enrichment program and ended up running the animal behavior research department at a prestigious university.

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That being said it wasn’t until a few years ago that I gained a new perspective and decided I didn’t want to control animals, I wanted to form bonds and I wanted to communicate with them. As soon as I made that decision it all came back little by little. My biggest obstacle was trusting it. I am not special. Anyone can communicate with animals but it takes practice. It may come easier to me but truly anyone can do it…you just have to trust your intuition. I started communicating with my dog. I always picked up her emotions but one day I asked her just in my mind where she wanted to go hiking that day and instantly I was in the water and I could see a stick bobbing in front of me and I was blown away. She was telling me she wanted to go swimming and so we did. Later I could get images from wild animals such as a hawk that landed on a traffic light in front of me and then all of a sudden I was getting a “bird’s eye view” of the intersection and the hawk was looking straight at me.

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I love animals. I love their wisdom and there is no doubt in my mind that they are not working with us and guiding us. We are all connected on this planet. Unfortunately us humans have forgotten that. It makes perfect sense to me that we all want to live on a healthy planet so why wouldn’t the animals (who have had to pay such a heavy price for our greed and ignorance) not want to help us in every way they can to get back on track?

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How do I find my Totem?

There are various ways. I used my intuition. Because I am so tapped into the animal world it was fairly easy for me to figure it out. My husband on the other hand went to a drumming ceremony to find out his. Whatever seems right to you will be the best way. I believe in the power of intuition. Your inner voice is your higher self. Trust it. Have you always been attracted to a certain animal? Has one shown up quite a bit for you in the real world? Do people send you a particular animal online? pay attention to all the little nuances and I bet you have known all along without being conscious of it.

If any one has a particular interest in a particular animal just let me know otherwise I will just go with who shows up that day.



Ego and Fear and my Signs

Ego and Fear and my Signs

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As I continue on my spirit journey I am learning to surrender to my life and as I do things come to me much easier now and peace is more the rule rather than the exception. Don’t get me wrong…I am fairly young in my spiritual development. Ego is a pesky entity I deal with daily but I recognize ego now and can immediately deal with it in a much healthier way. And sometimes it takes a day or two of war until I reign that sucker in. I never knew what ego really was and how it showed up in me. I have learned (as I am sure with most of us) ego likes to carry around this gigantic backpack where ever she goes called fear. This bag of fear had gotten so big it really filled a huge amount of space around me. It filled a room and it pushed everyone away. Since I have come to recognize all of this that bag gets a little smaller everyday. I imagine this will be my life’s work. If I think about it too much I want to get discouraged. I mean enough already!! But in reality this journey I am on with all its baggage is truly amazing and I am grateful for all the awareness and clarity that comes my way. I am humbled at my determination to let it all go. Its work and yet it isn’t.


Initially I find I am resisting something and I feel all discombobulated inside. That’s my clue that I need to pay attention. The longer I resist and fight what is going on the more confused and exhausted I become until finally I collapse and can just surrender and it is at that point my healing begins. As that stage peace washes over me until finally an understanding occurs and acceptance steps in which leads to wisdom. This process can happen many many times each day…sometimes just little mini lessons and other times a real battle.

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I find now I am able to see all the many signs my guides are throwing at me. At this point I have no idea where this journey is going to take me but I am okay with that. I am fascinated with the journey. I am letting go and letting life flow and it is magical. When you are no longer resisting you start paying attention to all the signs around you. There are so many teachers in my life and they come in all shapes and sizes. I cannot list them all but I will list a few here.

My husband Ron: He is what I call my “Mirror Bearer” He has the unfortunate job of holding up the mirror so I can see with my own eyes what I am doing. I am just getting to the point in my life after 5 years where I can look and it is difficult. I hate seeing something about myself that is ugly or petty or frantic or deceiving etc. But this seems to be what he can do and I can now look without judgement. I see it and feel the pain then heal it and move on. I am so grateful for what he kindly shows me about myself. He provides a safe way to fix something that isn’t working. His favorite saying is “if you don’t like something then change it.” This is easier said than done when you are resisting whatever is moving in your life.


The Center for Sacred Studies Ministry Program: I have been there studying for the last two years. In April I will graduate and become an Ordained Minister. I know most of you are saying “why didn’t you just get your certificate online?” Because I truly want to be a Spiritual Director and Counselor. In all good conscience I could not talk the talk unless I walked the walk. In fact our Ministry is called Her Walking Prayer. The last two years has been about healing myself. We are the wounded healers. Every persons wound is the portal to the Great Divine. Now I am in a place to help others. I use to say I wanted to be a healer….but that was a bit grandiose I am finding. Only Love can heal and I am merely a vessel for love. I can help guide people, hold a loving space for them to heal themselves. I have ideas that may help because I have been through it but everyone’s reality is unique to them. Only love and Spirit can truly know what is best for each person and that is obtained by going within and listening to your heart.


Rosie: My horse. I just sold her. Not because I wanted to but I was holding onto to something that just wasn’t going to happen. For her sake I had to let go. I haven’t given up on my dream but I have accepted now is not the time and when I stop forcing it it will come if it is meant to be. I miss her terribly and to be quite frank my heart is laid open. I feel like I failed her and myself and that wounds me deeply but I can sleep at night knowing she is in a place that can give her exactly what she needs as well as an abundance of love. She taught me to just let go of all the things that no longer serve me. Once you let go of your attachment to people or things your life becomes much easier, much more peaceful. Perhaps by holding on to her I was preventing something that was even better from entering my life. I can accept that I have no idea what is best for me but Spirit and the Universe does.

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Rainy: My sweet Dog. She has taught me to Be Present. It serves nothing by constantly looking back in anger and regret. It serves nothing to worry or have expectations or fear about the future. Just Be!! Love each and everyday. Do what makes you happy right now because ultimately right now is all we’ve got. Enjoy the song of a bird, the feel of the sun or wind on your face, the stillness and perfection of each and every moment.

My Mentor Kellee: Listen to the plants. That is what she would tell me. She is also a Mirror Bearer and I have given her a hard time at what she has revealed to me. I thought she was just being so unreasonable and I couldn’t understand why I was so misunderstood. I am profoundly grateful for her patience and her commitment to her truth and integrity. As she put it to me “If I don’t like the same old worn out tattered dress on you I am not going to tell you you look good in it” She has finally made me realize I am not my Story. The story my parents or my ex husbands or friends or anyone has put on me. I am not a victim. Let the Story go and be vulnerable and authenticate. I am trying to figure out who that is and I will admit I feel a little lost. I have been one way for 48 years. It is hard to change. She is getting me to look at my words, my body language, how I relate to other people…..everything and it can be overwhelming. It is a humbling experience and it is beautiful. I am of the mind to just let go here. Stop trying to be someone else and instead just Be.

Huck: This is a cat. This cat has breathing issues. Every breath for him is a gift. He taught me to be still and be silent and to just breathe. I fill every second of my days with busy-ness to keep myself from thinking or feeling too much. But you can never heal unless you feel and you can never be present unless you are present to each moment. When you have no idea what to do with yourself or you are becoming overwhelmed just stop, be still, be silent and breathe. It is amazing how restorative this can be and how much clarity will follow.


Owl: The Great Horned Owl has been showing up in my life since last July. At first it was something someone mentioned. Then I had a fabulous photo opportunity with an entire family of them and now they show up every evening. They will come and land in the tree nearest to me and look at me, hoot and sit with me. I finally have become initiated in Owl medicine and Owl is my totem animal. She is a brutal teacher and a most magnificent one.


Bear: The great healer in my life. She encourages me to go within and find my own truth and like a great benevolent mother she heals all my many wounds.

There are many many more teachers in my life. Some have been cruel and some loving but I am grateful to each and everyone of them.

As I grow and evolve so too does this blog. I will mainly be concentrating now on Animal Spirit Guides and Totems as well as my many life lessons and epiphanies. This is my personal journey so what I write may not resonate with everyone but if you are like me I am intrigued by everyone’s learning and the wisdom they gather along the way. I merely wish to share mine with you.

With Gratitude

Sunny Day

Happy New Year- 2015


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2014 was quite a year. I worked very hard which left me little time for the simple pleasures in life. Blogging is one of those pleasures. Not only did I not have time to blog but when I did have time I felt a little guilty about blogging so I refrained. Once again I let pressure from others keep me from being true to myself. The funny thing is most likely I was projecting in my continued misguided efforts at being accepted. This post is about my lessons in 2014. There were many as well as many losses and heartaches and joys and triumphs. So what did I learn?

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Overworked…..and for what?

I began the year working for an expensive Park City Ski Lodge called The Goldener Hirsch Inn. I started off being the front desk clerk. The level of boredom was staggering. I sat at the front desk and answered phones, booked rooms and helped existing guests. In reality I fought to stay awake, fought to be pleasant to rude and self entitled people. Eventually I took on the night audit job. I would arrive at work at 3 in the afternoon and would do my front desk clerk job and then at 11 I would do my night audit job until 7 in the morning. I would go home to rest until I had to be back on the job at 3 until 7 in the morning and then I would do one more 8 hour shift. In essence I did 40 hours in 2.5 days. It was difficult but at least the work week was over and done with. The Inn closed early April.

I then got a job at a book store called The Expanding Heart on Main Street in Park City. In fact I am still working there part time. Not only does the Heart sell books but crystals, singing bowls, clothes, CDs, candles and statues. Its a great place to work but only for extra money and the discount is awesome. In May I got offered a job at Habitat for Humanity ReStore in Park City and was managing it within the month. However it meant that I worked 7 days a week 13 hours a day and by August I couldn’t take the hours or the abuse by the bosses. I was fortunate enough to hear about a pet sitting service. I thought I could work there until I found another job but I am still there and though I am away from home a lot I do like working with animals again. But again I am never home….I was gone from the 19th of December to the first and I go again tomorrow to stay at a house for a week. The more I want to work at home the more away from home I seem to be.

There have been some tough moments at home as well so I continue to struggle financially, emotionally and spiritually.

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New Year Resolution

My life hasn’t been going in the direction I have really wanted it to go. Right before Thanksgiving my husband and I had a chat…he hasn’t been happy for a while either and we are both tired of working ourselves to death never getting anywhere. We made a decision to sell the house in spring after we finish the remodeling and then we will buy another house, remodel and flip it until we can just pay out right for the house we really want. But what this means is more moves, living among construction, never really unpacking, and losing my horse. I cannot even talk about that so I won’t. But at least there is a plan and a goal that is very achievable.

The other resolution is learning to actually take care of myself, to care about myself, to love myself and that one may be the toughest one of all. However I have come a long way. I look back over this last year and I am amazed at how different my thinking is from this time last year. So it is possible….

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I have spent my whole life trying to please others and we can see where that has gotten me. Not only was I never able to do what I really wanted to do but I believed all the stories that were projected on to me. I need to be secure in myself and like myself and believe in myself enough where others do not have that power over me. For example I had given up blogging really because I was working ridiculous hours so when I did have a moment I would spend it with my husband so he didn’t think I was ignoring him. I even set my school work aside most days because of time constraints and the need to prove to him I put him first. But I ended up losing myself once again. In fact right now I just feel lost.

So I will have to set up a schedule I live by that includes school and things I enjoy such as blogging, photography, crafts, school, reading etc..

I will do yoga at least once a week with a friend, soak in the tub every now and then, take walks with my camera, meditate and learn to trust that inner voice.

I can do all this while nurturing the relationship I have with my husband. So much time is wasted on doing nothing for fear of doing the wrong thing….wrong is better than nothing.

I have also really struggled with writers block once again but sometimes just writing something….anything at all gets the ball rolling again.So here is my rolling ball…

What I do know is I love to write and I love my blogs so I won’t give that up. Its a beautiful way to sort out ones life, to record the lessons and growth, the memories that are both happy and sad. Being able to do this is a gift. What did I do before there were blogs??

So I will record my continuing journey. Its a start. Happy 2015 Everybody and thank you for allowing me to share my journey with you and for sharing your journey with me.


With Gratitude


Lucid Dreaming


Guest Author Kerry McGlone writes:

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Why Everyone Should Learn to Lucid Dream


Imagine this: you’re exploring things and emotions you never thought were possible. You have the opportunity to control anything that goes on, and have the power to change anything if needed. You’re exploring these crazy ideas as if you were doing it in real life, however you’re merely dreaming. Is there a monster chasing you as you lucid dream? No worries – with the power of your mind, you can dismiss that monster and completely modify the dream just the way you want it. So instead of being chased by a monster, you can talk with your favorite actor or be an actor yourself being chased by hundreds of fans! The act of lucid dreaming can be confronting, but can be an experience not to be forgotten or avoided. These endeavors can happen if you set your mind to it, and learn how to do it; or you may be gifted with this natural ability.

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We’ve all experienced a nightmare; a falling dream; a daydream, etc. Imagine if you had the ability to be in complete control of what happens. Have the ability to fly through the sky, perceive a scenario from a different perspective. Sounds cool, huh? If you were able to live in your dreams, then wouldn’t going to sleep every night be exciting opposed to an inconvenience? We all know that there aren’t enough hours in a day, which is absolutely true. Lucid dreaming will make out as if you never sleep, but still receive the same effects. In saying that, whatever happens in your dreams will not (necessarily) happen in real life. For example, you may win the lottery in the lucid dream, but wake up as rich as you were the night before. Although lucid dreaming requires practice to ensure perfection, it is definitely achievable to anyone at most ages. It is not dangerous, nor will it physically affect you whatsoever. It’s simply a dream that you’re consciously aware of and able to manipulate.

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Lucid dreaming can occur both accidentally or intentionally. It is not to be feared – it is to be honored as though you have a power; a sixth sense. It’s not uncommon for people to lucid dream, and those who are privileged to experience a lucid dream should be proud of their experience(s). As you lucid dream, you can explore your inner mind and view what you never thought existed. Maybe you’re anxious for a test, or fear public speaking: lucid dreaming is able to assist you positively to help you overcome this anxiety. So in theory, lucid dreaming is a perfect way to help assist some medical problems you may face on a daily basis. Whether or not you choose to use a lucid dream to help with your problems is completely up to you, but is something one should definitely consider. Does overcoming some personal issues in your life sound appealing to you? Never having to feel anxious to the same extent can be exceptionally relieving, and definitely rewarding.


Along with lucid dreaming comes things needed to be aware of. One of the most important things you must consider is whether or not you’re actually experiencing a lucid dream. Think about this: what makes you think that as you read this article, you’re not lucid dreaming? What makes it a reality? As you lucid dream, you can feel, see, read, smell, etc. just as you would in real life. It’s a scary thought, but once you are able to distinguish a lucid dream from reality, you’re able to feel more comfortable and begin enjoying your dreams. Remember that dreams are often illogical, which can be the first hint that it’s a dream – however that’s not always the case. Some dreams can make perfect sense, so don’t completely rely on a realistic event to differentiate a lucid dream from reality. In saying that, with practice comes experience and perfection. It will not be an instant accomplishment, however will become easier and easier in due time.

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Lucid dreaming is an encouraged act and should not be avoided and/or feared. It can be a time to explore things you never thought existed, and experience things which wouldn’t be possible in real life. Why wouldn’t you want to overcome your fears and live a happier, less stressful life? Why shouldn’t you look forward to sleeping; now capable of controlling and experiencing your dreams as if they were real life? The exciting adventure you endeavor can be thrilling, and most certainly rewarding – and should be considered.


Recovering from the Dark Night of the Soul


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I have flirted with the Dark Night of the Soul for years now. Looking back I cannot remember when I wasn’t fighting depression. And if I wasn’t fighting depression I was fighting addiction, denial, defensiveness and flat out lying to myself. The Dark Night of the Soul simply became who I was and I began to despair that I would never know anything else. And if this was it…what I was going to always have to feel like?  Was there really any reason to continue? I read self help books, talked to therapists and still after a few months of starting to feel better I would sink back into that black pit of hopelessness and sorrow. Was there no end to it? Was I capable of being happy? Of knowing first hand what inner peace truly felt like? All these thoughts just managed to pull me deeper down into the abyss of despair.

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I didn’t realize that I have been on the fast track of healing a complete way of thinking and of living. It started when I met who is now my husband. He introduced me to metaphysical studies though I had been doing a lot of reading before hand. What he explained to me made much more sense. We traveled to my past lives and could see certain patterns that had been set up many lifetimes ago to what I was living through today. He taught me meditation, and though it took me a few years to actually get the hang of it all the doors began opening for me. Through some intensive work I was able to recall memories of this life I had hidden deep within the recesses of my fragile mind and once those were recalled I became aware of my 12 guides….my beloved Twelve.


When the Twelve began earnestly grabbing at my attention I was in complete denial. I was certain I was losing my mind and there was absolutely no one I ever wanted knowing about them. As my work continued  with past lives I realized they had been with me since the beginning of time and I began to look forward (secretly) to their visits. Before long I even could see one of them. When they speak to me they are a collective voice in my subconscious. Two females and ten males. It has never been  a language that I could speak but rather an understanding and a meeting of the minds, heart and soul. But one day there he was, Kiernan. A man that I could reach out and touch if I had the courage.

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The easiest way to get in touch with them was always through hypnosis until one day I could access them through my dreams and through meditation. I was elated. After a time I began to ask them questions and finally when it came time to make a decision about my ministry school I asked for a sign. That was terrifying to me because what if there was no sign? Would it mean what I had always feared….that it was my vivid imagination and nothing more? My husband was aware I had taken this great risk and so we waited. That very afternoon we went for a hike in the Moab desert. We parked the car and went for a beautiful hike as we talked about my fears. When we got back to the car, there draped elegantly on a rock right outside the passenger car door was a necklace that would only have meant something deeply spiritual to me. It was a black Fleur-de-Lys….exactly like the one I had tattooed on my side. My husband asked me then “Is that a good enough sign for you?” so we called the school and registered when we got home.

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A year later and I have survived my first year of school. When I say survived what I mean was it stirred up all the pain that lay heavy on my soul unattended to and locked away never to be seen again. My studies through the school unlocked that safe little place within myself and like Pandora’s Box it all came rushing out. Most days it was too much to bear and I could barely face getting out of bed much less living a peaceful life. As each month passed by I began to inch my way out of my deep and despairing hole and I could see a little more of the daylight but everyday was still such an effort to me.

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The end of January I went to a local healing ceremony that got me over a huge painful hurdle…or at least part way over. I was starting to see hope in my future. I went to another one in March  and got a little closer to understanding where a big chunk of my pain was coming from. Once a year our school gets all the students and some instructors together for a lovely retreat in the Redwood Forest just south of San Francisco. Because this is an online school my fellow classmates are from as far away as Switzerland. So this gives us a chance to connect with each other. Even though we have heard each others voices over the monthly conference calls it was so hard to see them as anything other than distant voices on the phone. So I got in my car in Utah at 2:30 in the morning early April and drove 14 hours to the top of a mountain in Northern California. I cannot go into the specifics of what we did at that retreat but it was some intense healing work that we all shared in together. The voices became loving individuals and all were suffering in one form or another and all needed this healing to take place. Not only did we have these incredible healing experiences that will stay locked in my memory for as long as I draw breath into this body but we all got to know each other in a loving and supportive environment. Not only was I learning from my teachers and ministers that had graduated years before me but I was learning just as much or more from my fellow classmates. I finally figured out we were all wounded but all healers in our own way. I was…no AM…in awe of all the beautiful people I got to know and now that I am home we stay in constant contact through Facebook and email.


For  as long as I can remember I have longed for and hunted for unconditional love. I learned the only place I will ever get that is from my very own spirit who has been with me this entire life. The wise and ancient side of myself that understands how to sit with pain until through acceptance and understanding it passes. The side of myself that truly sees me as a beautiful spirit with unlimited compassion that has a deep and limitless well within herself of infinite love…the love that is her connection to the Divine Creator. Love is the Divine Creator and the trees and the birds and the sky and the earth and my classmates and myself and my family and my animals and the stranger I pass on the street. It is all encompassing. It is infinite and everywhere. It is the air that I breathe and the food that I eat and the water that I drink. It is the connection that binds every living thing and every rock and every particle of the universe together. Once I awakened to that fact and I opened my eyes and became aware I was no longer walking through the Dark Night of the Soul. I could never go back. Once you have walked in the light the darkness no longer exists.

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I also have no regrets. My long dark night of the soul was my path to the light. I may never have seen or recognized the light of love without that long, lonely walk and so I have nothing but gratitude for that walk, that lonely journey. It was the path I had to take that took me to my diamond road of peace.

Now do not get me wrong. Things have been pretty dicey for me for a while now and that hasn’t changed. It is how I view these challenges that has changed. What at one time seem inevitable and hopeless is now just a learning path to get me where I need to go. I still get a little scared and frustrated and even a little sad at times but I just sit with it and hold the space until a new level of awareness comes to me and gives me the fortitude to see what is coming around the next corner. Every time I get irritated and ask my guides “why does everything have to be so hard and scary?” the answer is always the same….pay attention to what you need to learn here. And so I have. I am even learning that to force a solution to my problem may be a mistake as well. I have always believed that if you keep trying your hardest to find a solution then at least you are not just laying around waiting for life to be handed to you. I still believe that to some degree but it was how I was going about it that was the problem. I would lay awake scheming and panicky and and plotting out a solution. Now I pray. I meditate. I ask for signs to guide me and I sit with it. I am learning every time my prayers are answered all in good time. The signs are there and peace is maintained within me because I am not scurrying around trying to make the earth rotate just for me.

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When I got back home I had another healing ceremony that was what sealed the deal and that is for another post tomorrow.  What I have learned once you reach this wonderful place inside yourself you can never go back. The chemistry in my brain has changed. My level of awareness has opened my heart and my spirit is free to be who she is. The masks are off and the walls are down. You cannot unlearn something. Especially this. It has awaken every cell in my body and my awareness of every living thing including myself is too vivid and concrete.  My compassion for everything on this planet including the planet herself is infinite but I am able to protect myself from those that continue to try to hurt me with detached compassion. It is like a lovely energy field that lets my love and compassion out but does not let their anger or hate in.


Resurrection. The reversal of what was thought to be absolute. The turning of midnight into dawn, hatred into love, dying into living anew.

If we look more closely into life, we will find that resurrection is more than hope, it is our experience. The return to life from death is something we understand at our innermost depths, something we feel on the surface of tender skin. We have come back to life, not only when we start to shake off a shroud of sorrow that has bound us, but when we begin to believe in all that is still, endlessly possible.

We give thanks for all those times we have arisen from the depths or simply taken a tiny step toward something new. May we be empowered by extraordinary second chances. And as we enter the world anew, let us turn the tides of despair into endless waves of hope.

~Molly Fumia